Wednesday, March 16, 2011


   I think I am going through a bout of depression. The past few weeks have been difficult. My body aches all the time and since my TIPS procedure I have had heart problems. I keep getting sharp pains in my chest and a throbbing that comes and go. After an E.K.G. and a stress test the doctor was unable to find anything wrong with me. I have also had some severe knee pain which has bothered me a great deal. I am wearing a knee brace but that doesn't seem to help very much.
   With all these things happening, emotion is building. The knowledge of how real this is makes me weep, mostly because of the pain I am feeling.
   I went to see my doctor last week. We discussed my general health and the fact that my MELD dropped down to 18 and a lower category. I was in the top 11 and now I am in the top 34. This was a bit hard to take. When the doctor left he said, "Don't worry, you'll get your liver. It might be this year, or the next, but you'll get one."
   This past week I just came up on my three year anniversary since I was diagnosed with liver disease. To hear the news that I may have to go through this for another year or so is frustrating. It feels like I am starting all over again and that hurts my heart. In the past week or two I have tried to sit and write. Nothing seems to work. I can't even sleep without waking up all throughout the night. I am so tired.
   I go back for labs in a month. Hopefully my numbers will change by then.
   That is all.


  1. I remember our wait - it was horrific - so I completely understand - and feel terrible for you. I hope you don't mind some advice.

    Are you on an anti-depressant? If not, I would talk to the doctor about it. Ron was on Lexapro - good mood stabilizer.

    Are you in counseling? Ron and I went to counseling about every 6 weeks. It was nice to come together with a counselor and feel our strength. Sometimes at home, when it was just the two of us, we both felt like the 'weak links'.

    Do you go outside everyday? VERY IMPORTANT - you need the fresh air and some sunshine - vitamin D. Take a drive, have a picnic, sit under a tree.

    Do you have something to look forward to? We plan a couple of trips a year. It's nice to have something to look forward plan take your mind off of - the waiting.

    Do you have a close friend? Have someone to confide in - someone other than your caretaker. Caretakers are holding on for dear life too - sometimes we need a break.....friends can help share the load.

    Many blessings, hopes and prayers.


  2. Its hard waiting so long when you feel so rough, but you could also look at it in the way, that you know that you can last a long time yet. If your doctor thinks you can last another year, though it sounds sucky, it gives a lot more time to find the right liver for you that will last a long time (forever?) rather than having to go down the routes of Livers that are only semi ok, but you can get quicker.

    As mentioned in your comments, getting out during the day is one of the best things you can do.

    The wait is horrible, but my advice, is to perhaps try to take on a new hobby. Something you can do sitting down so that you get to rest, yet still get the sense of accomplishment. Painting, drawing, sculpting.

    My thoughts are with you.

  3. Beau, I'm so sorry that you must wait so much longer again, it makes no sense. I've been down in the dumps a lot lately too, very weepy. This being chronically sick business is emotionally exhausting as much as it is physically. Sending you much love.

  4. Beaux-With all my heart I send blessings to cover you in all these awful moments-xo teri

  5. Wow - is it the moon, because I, too, have been struggling with the blues (actually, since the start of the year). Can't sleep, don't want to do anything or go anywhere. This past week has been better, thank God, but there have been times when it seems like this nonsense will never end.

    The comments have good suggestions - but I know it takes a lot of energy to do some of these things. There are days when I'm proud of myself just for taking a shower. Be kind to yourself, my friend. If I find a remedy for insomnia, I'll let ya know. Take care.