Tuesday, November 20, 2012


   A month or so before my transplant I was starting to get worried. Well...I was worried. I was overwhelmed by the fact that time had ravaged my body and was working on my spirit.
   Lois kept assuring me that everything was going to be all right. And so, I would smile and say, "I know it."
   But I didn't know it. I just knew in my heart that I was worried and so was she. Time was wearing thin, and it wasn't being kind. So, we kind of went through a stage of pretending and thinking deep down that maybe this wasn't going to happen after all. Those were the things that filtered through our minds.
   Recently we have talked a little about it. Sharing the fact that we both had our doubts and admitting to being powerless. The only thing we could do was give it to God. On some level, I was secretly tidying up things that I thought were important for me to do. It wasn't much, but to me it meant throwing away a few things that seemed like clutter. Why was I holding on to this stuff anyway? The truth was, I was going out of my mind.
   A month or so before my transplant I finally asked for some help. My doctor said he could give me some anti-depressants to help me out. I noticed the change almost immediately. I was more relaxed, but what I noticed the most was that the stress had dropped considerably. This would have been back in January. I had pretty much forgotten about the pills until after my transplant. I knew I was still taking them but I had not given them much thought. The doctors seemed to feel that I would do better if I were to stay on them for a while as my body adjusted and healed. I didn't have a problem with that.
   Fast forward to about a month ago. I went to my last clinic visit and I asked if I could drop the anti-depressant. My meds have changed a lot in the past several months and I was down to taking my anti-rejection meds and vitamins. I didn't feel like there was any need to stay on the anti-depressants. They weaned me by cutting the dosage in half and I took them for another two weeks and then stopped. If you've ever been on anti-depressants and have stopped, then you might understand where I'm going with this. Serious withdrawal symptoms. Mind-altering effects.
   I have had severe headaches, dizziness and some sort of brain zaps that just won't stop. I turn my head and I can feel a million synapses firing. There is a cacophony of noise in my head. I figured it would stop soon, but it is still going on almost a month later. It is not as intense as it was so I assume it is getting better. I had similar symptoms to this when I first had my transplant. Every time I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom I felt massively dizzy with these same sparks flying inside my head.
   I cannot imagine having to live like this for very long. I think it would drive me crazy. The noise I hear now inside my head sounds like a salt shaker shaking up and down when I turn my head too sharply. It is light and fading, but I still get headaches and they can be very annoying. I'd give anything for them to go away. I can handle the noise inside my head, but the aches hurt.
   I guess these are small problems now compared to before. I am feeling stronger. I have noticed that my night sweats have disappeared so maybe that was just the drugs too. I'm happy to have them gone.
   Wishing everyone well. Happy Thanksgiving. I probably don't have to mention what I'm thankful for.