I had my labs drawn yesterday prior to my three month doctor appointment. My score went back up 4 points and my MELD is now 23. The doctor told me that I was getting pretty sick. He also said that while my score was still somewhat low, I could still be transplanted at any time. Oddly enough, I feel a little apathetic. Somewhere along the line I seemed to have crossed a threshold that's changed my outlook on things. For over two years now I have waited for this, thinking what a joyous moment it would be when it finally happened. Now all I seem to be able to think about is that someone is going to die.
I know that none of this has anything to do with me, but the thought of it has me shaken. It is in my sleep. Knowing that someone must die so that I may live weighs heavy on me. Up until recently when my numbers were still low, I had not given it much thought. Everything was still so far away. I had no time to think about what happens next, everything was about today and this moment. I was focused on how I felt and the changes I went through each day. But now that I am closer things have changed. My focus rests on everyone involved and all that comes with it. It is hard for me to look forward to something while knowing what fate will bring to another family. I was never blinded by it; it just seemed so far away. I've always known that time would not change it. It is a paradox.
I know that none of this has anything to do with me, but the thought of it has me shaken. It is in my sleep. Knowing that someone must die so that I may live weighs heavy on me. Up until recently when my numbers were still low, I had not given it much thought. Everything was still so far away. I had no time to think about what happens next, everything was about today and this moment. I was focused on how I felt and the changes I went through each day. But now that I am closer things have changed. My focus rests on everyone involved and all that comes with it. It is hard for me to look forward to something while knowing what fate will bring to another family. I was never blinded by it; it just seemed so far away. I've always known that time would not change it. It is a paradox.
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There is that. There is also the promise that some part of this person will still on in you. A small condolence but it is something. (Hugs)Indigo
ReplyDeleteYeah, but it's not as if the person is going to be killed IN ORDER for you to have the transplant. What if you look at it this way - their death will have additional meaning in helping someone get better. The organ donor completed his or her journey on this earth; it was their time to go - and their departure leaves this world a little better because they generously allowed a part of their body to enable someone to live. It's a kind and giving thing to do, and as the donor moves on and towards whatever is next, they leave a little bit of peace and healing behind them. You are part of their having done something good for this world on their way out. And maybe when it's your turn, you can think of some good thing to do for someone else, and pass the gift along.
ReplyDeleteI am not glad to hear that your score is worse, but I am glad that you are getting closer to a transplant. And it's so amazing that we can do this now - I still can't wrap my head around what medicine can do these days. It's truly incredible.
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ReplyDeleteThe idea that in my death I can give my organs to another reaffirms my faith in mankind. That from something that is sorrowful, hope and life can emerge is really a good thing. Accepting a gift with grace is an important as giving one.
ReplyDeleteYou have had a awful time. It is important to be kind to yourself.
I agree with what everyone else is telling you. I have been on both sides of the transplant experience. My brother drowned in 2006 and we had the opportunity to donate several of his organs. It was a wonderful way to help others by bringing something good out of a terrible tragedy. But even after having gone through that, I still wasn't quite prepared for the depth of gratitude I felt when my husband had his liver transplant. It just seemed like the thing to do when my brother died and I didn't comprehend just how life-changing it was for those who benefitted from it. Only when I experienced things from the other side did I truly appreciate what a gift it is. In a sense....you are doing the family a favor by being there to give some meaning to an otherwise senseless death. Try your best to accept the gift for what it is and don't let unfounded guilt get the better of you. In the meantime, hang in there.
ReplyDeleteLinda, Wichita
Oh Beaux- It appears you have angel bloggers watching over you. There are many wise words posted here in the comments. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family- love, teri
ReplyDeleteoh sweet friend, it makes perfect sense that your heart would now awaken to this tender realization. Yes, someone will die...and their death will gift you with an opportunity to live...but they are not dying SO THAT YOU CAN LIVE...they are dying because death happens. And it is a sorrow for their family to lose their loved one, but it will be a joy for them too, knowing that their beloved's soul will rest and their functional liver will give back life to a stranger...you YOU.
ReplyDeletesending you healing thoughts and prayers always.
Weather you or anyone else has a transplant, will not change the fact that that person has died. What it does do, is mean that the person has not died in vain.
ReplyDeletePerhaps when the time comes, you can do something nice in memory of your donor. I know a lot of people have the day before their transplant anniversary where they spend it in quiet and think of the donor, perhaps even letting off a balloon and such. Then the day of the anniversary, celebrating their new lease of life.
If one of my family members were to die, I would be comforted knowing that a part of them is being put to good use.
Thank you all,
ReplyDeleteWhile I find this all profound and somewhat new, I understand on the backside of this that somewhere in my mind this has long been brewing. The closer I get, the sharper the realization begins to focus. I know that this is the wish of an organ donor. To give life and provide a sense of solace and healing to another human being and their families.
I appreciate everyone's comments and the insight. Thank you for this.
These comments are full of wisdom. As the time for transplant draws near, I encourage you to meditate about the hard work your body will have to do healing itself after surgery. Imagine your immune system gently welcoming this unfamiliar organ to your body; your blood clotting as it should; your circulatory and other systems behaving properly; and so forth. Coach yourself now while you can and your body will be prepared for the big job that lies ahead. Think of something special to give/do for your family - I'm convinced that as hard as we patients have it, our loved ones have it worse. I'm praying for you, Beaux.
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