I wonder if George A. Romero knew someone who was sick when he directed Night of the Living Dead?
My wife was looking at me the other day and she said, "Your eyes are starting to turn yellow."
I don't see it, but evidently she does. And having dark skin makes it kind of hard to tell if I am getting jaundice. I suppose it probably leaves me looking a little discolored. I have dark rings under my eyes, the result of leaky capillaries. Gravity causes the blood to fall downward and deposits below my eyes making me look tired and sick. They say 8 hours of sleep will fix this but, it is hard when sleeping is a difficult thing to do with this disease. I also have this whole blood clotting factor going on and a simple bump will bruise me. These things combined with my psoriasis have me looking pretty scary these days. I look bruised with lesions peppered across my body from the psoriasis and the scratching and I feel a little self conscious about it at times. Not always; just sometimes. I realize I am sick and there isn't much I can do about the way I look. I didn't realize I was being so vain until I read another blogger's post earlier today.
I don't see it, but evidently she does. And having dark skin makes it kind of hard to tell if I am getting jaundice. I suppose it probably leaves me looking a little discolored. I have dark rings under my eyes, the result of leaky capillaries. Gravity causes the blood to fall downward and deposits below my eyes making me look tired and sick. They say 8 hours of sleep will fix this but, it is hard when sleeping is a difficult thing to do with this disease. I also have this whole blood clotting factor going on and a simple bump will bruise me. These things combined with my psoriasis have me looking pretty scary these days. I look bruised with lesions peppered across my body from the psoriasis and the scratching and I feel a little self conscious about it at times. Not always; just sometimes. I realize I am sick and there isn't much I can do about the way I look. I didn't realize I was being so vain until I read another blogger's post earlier today.
Today I was reminded that it has been two years since I was diagnosed with liver disease. I was told back then that I had 18 months before I might see another bleed out from varices. My last endoscopy showed that I have stopped bleeding in my esophagus and that the varices has moved to my stomach. I guess all the medicine I am taking is working. The doctors don't seem to be worried about what's happening in my stomach, and I suppose unless I start leaking a lot of blood then I am somewhat safe. In the meantime I remain wary.
I still find this all hard to talk about at times when I think of everything involved. The Call. Another person dying. My family. Myself.
Lois asked me the other day, "Are you getting scared?"
I said, "I don't know?"
It all seems unreal. I don't think I'll know until I get real sick.
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I care about you!
ReplyDeletejust...you know...for the record...
Razor,
ReplyDeleteAs always you say each time the perfect words and at the right time. Thank you so much.
Good wishes to you. I hope some of your symptoms will abate.
ReplyDeletePicture me holding your hand as you go through this. Keep posting when you feel up to it.
ReplyDeleteI know this is hard, to see how the illness is visibly transforming your body. But bodies are not ALL we are, and there is plenty to you that is and will always be lovely and wonderful and whole.
How you look can have a huge effect on the way you feel.
ReplyDeleteI try to explain to others in a sense of, when you are getting ready for a night out and you have special clothes and shower and spend a while fixing your hair. And you eventually leave the house feeling good in general.
Illness is kinda like that, but the opposite. Unless you can push it all away and under the carpet, you do feel crap and to feel normal takes a hell of a lot of work.
But remember, things wont always be like this. One day you will feel like yourself again. In the meantime you just gotta be kind to yourself and keep your body going best you can.
As for the whole someone dying thing. It is a pretty huge thing and it dose take some thinking to get your mind around. Im not sure how things work over there, but maybe some type of therapy/counseling might help you to work out how you are feeling and how to adjust.
I didnt deal that well with mine. My family were curious and wanted to know things about the donor and such, but I refused. I just didnt want to know. For me it is easier not knowing. But if I were to change my ind in the future, I can do that too.
And then, im reminded of those wise word 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself.' Fear can change a person, make them act differnt from their norm. Not always a bad thing.
But your mind is strong. It can cope with an amazing amount of things in a variety of ways. Often, it will just make everything numb and go onto auto pilot. Its a method of protection. Your mind will know what is best for you and will carry you through well.
Basically, try not to over think things. Take it one day at a time and go with what feels right.
(feel free to get in touch if you want to chat or anything)
Don't let any outward appearance issue get you down. I know that my be easier said than done. Stay strong!
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