Why I Haven't Been Writing...

1. Angry
2. Confused
3. Got the saddies
4. Tired

All of the above.

  These past few days have been hard for me. I've been angry. I've been sad. I've been hopelessly fighting a battle within myself.
The doctor broke it down to me in no uncertain terms: "You are sick and your liver is getting worse."
Again I heard the story about the liver being a big processing plant that filters out all the poisons and produces nutrients for the body. When the liver isn't working the poison looks for other places to go. You get nauseated. There are aches and pains. There is the unyielding desire to sleep. You get confused. All of these are signs of encephalopathy. Untreated you may slip into a coma. The last stage is death.
"We need to clear your head." He says.
We go over all of my medication and he tells me what he wants me to do. First we are increasing the dosage of the beta blocker, and the Neomycin and the Omeprazole and the Lactulose. We are getting rid of the muscle relaxer and the anti-nausea medicine and the Ambien.
Fortunately I wasn't counting on any of the drugs he took away. The nausea medicine rarely worked. The Ambien I didn't use very often and the muscle relaxer was for muscle cramps and those pills haven't been helping out that much lately.
The doctor explains to me again about the importance of staying on the Lactulose. "It is your friend and it will save your life. The alternative is that oneday, Lois, will have to call an ambulance and they will load me up and bring me to the hospital and they will shove a tube down my throat and deliver the lactulose this way on the hour every hour until I come back around."
So I guess there's that.
Anyhow, Lactulose is this thick syrup that you drink so that the ammonia that is stuck in your body can hitch a ride out while you are sitting on the toilet having diarrhea. I don't like to talk about it, but that is its purpose; to get the poison out of the body so it doesn't go to the brain and kill you.
Now my problem is that I don't take the medicine on my work days because who the hell wants to have diarrhea all day long during a 12 hour shift? Me...I don't like to. But that's all a thing of the past now and I'm taking the shit 3 times a day every day (Yeah, I did a swear there) and I want to cry. I don't mind it so much at home when I'm off of work, but this work thing really sucks. But hey, I'm alive and not in a coma. So I guess I got that going for me as well.
In conclusion: doctors suck. But they are saving my life so I guess I will listen to them.
I'm still mad.