"We're going to need you to get a little more sicker."

My MELD score has dropped 3 points. This is supposed to be a good thing. It means I have a while yet until transplant.
This little bit of information has brought me some disappointment. It feels like such a step backwards. I suppose I am just tired of it all.
As I've mentioned before, because the transplant surgery is so high risk, doctors don't like to do one until it is absolutely necessary. Most often this happens when the patient is very, very ill. Another reason they wait so long is because the organs are just not available and they really have no choice. Hence the long waiting list.
After I had my endoscopy/colonoscopy on Tuesday, the doctor informed me that everything looked good. No polyps. No lesions. No tumors. The varices in my esophagus stopped bleeding a year ago and I don't appear to have a problem there any more but the varices are now in my stomach and they will have to continue to monitor them.
My transplant coordinator (from now on let's just call her the TC) called me on Thursday and said that my heart and lungs and all that stuff looked relatively normal. The only thing they saw in the bubble echo was that I had a little heart murmur which we were already aware of. She was going to run that by the doctor to see if that was something they wanted to fix.
So basically all these tests came up with nothing to explain away how I've been feeling. I still have awful stomach aches and the shortness of breath doesn't seem to raise any flags. They don't feel that ascites is a factor — which I find boggling. Especially since ascites can put pressure on the diaphragm and make it difficult to breathe. According to the contrast CT scan I had two weeks ago, they didn't see any ascites around the abdomen. The doctor’s diagnosis was that there was maybe a little ascites. Perhaps I am having sympathy ascites.
I also learned that I am starting to get jaundice. Up until now the yellow has been hard to detect because of my skin color. He saw it under my tongue and in my eyes.
And so, after my endoscopy the doctor said that with my new MELD score, it was likely I was good for another year or so before transplant. That seems like a long time considering it has almost been two years since this all started. The way the doctor talked to me seemed a little disconnected. I felt like a man who just brought his car into the service station for a tune up. "Everything looks good Mr. Kyle, bring her back in about 6 months."
"Okay Bob, see you in 6 months."

(Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock)

Meanwhile my thoughts have started running random. I'm thinking about my talk with the TC last week.
"Oh that's a good score. There's nothing wrong with that. You want to hold on as long as you can and they don't want to do transplants too early because of all the risks involved."
She's offered me some encouragement and then she drops the ball when she brings mortality figures into the picture.

"What the Ef!"  I'm thinking to myself.  "And yes, I know the figures. I've known since March 15, 2008. It was a Saturday. The day I got out of the hospital and went home and got on the internet."

Maybe I just need a long vacation. I think I've got a little time now that I have this new window to look through.