Sunday, October 11, 2009

On Working...

Yesterday I was supposed to go see a lecture with Daniel Schorr and Roxana Saberi; I had really been looking forward to seeing this with Lois. Instead I felt nauseated all day long and I had to work a 12 hour shift. When I came home I rolled myself into a ball and curled up on the couch.
I am starting to feel worse these days. I don't share this for sympathy, but more for fact. But mostly because this is really some what of a journal. It is like my log so that I have something to look back on. I'm not sure why I started this, but it has been like therapy. For some reason it seems important that I document all this. And then there is also the friendships that I have developed. They have become both dear and important to me at the same time.

So I come home and I curl up into a ball and there is a movie on T.V. called: Life as a House. I have no idea what it is about and I am too tired to change the channel. So I watch.
Dude, this movie sucks of bittersweet. This man (Kevin Kline) is dying from terminal cancer. And in the meantime nobody knows that he is dying. He has an ex-wife played by Kristin Scott Thomas, who is disheartened because she has a mixed-up teenage son who takes drugs and just wants to die or be left alone. He doesn't seem to know what he wants. So Kristin sends her son to live with his father (Kline) for the summer.
I was getting ready to change the channel because there was all this yelling and screaming going on by basically everyone and then I guess my morbid curiousity got the better of me because I didn't. So Kevin Kline is tearing down this house in southern California and he is going to rebuild it. He is trying to get his son involved by helping him, but the kid just hates everything in life and refuses to budge. Eventually all these other things start to happen in the film and the kid starts helping his dad build this house. That is really the storyline, that and the fact that the whole family grows closer and they eventually find out that dad is dying.
So, I'm lying there wiping tears off my face and I can't help but think about my own personal stuff. I'm getting sicker day by day, but I can't and don't, share some of the things I am going through. I mean, when Lois picks me up at the end of the day and she asks me how my day went, sometimes it just doesn't seem necessary to say I was miserable all day long. What good does it do. And unless I come home and crawl into bed for a 2-hour nap I think she's pretty good at assessing whether I am feeling all right. Plus, if I am feeling awful I will be the first to tell her.

It is clear to me now that I am getting sicker.
Earlier when my body started changing my heart sank. There were bloody noses, and weight gain. There were skin lesions and the gynecomastia. My appearance hit me hard, but I managed to keep myself from going insane. It was what it was. The stuff that I couldn't see also hurt. The internal physical stuff. Now all these things are finally ganging up on me.
I am really sick. My biggest worry now is being able to keep working. I think this scares me the most.


  1. That is a wrenching movie. I saw it a couple of years ago before I became sick. I can't really bring myself to watch those kinds of movies anymore. I mostly only watch things that I know to have happy endings. I realize of course that is artificial but still it makes me feel better so perhaps it is the right approach on some level.

    Good wishes to you friend, during this awful time. I really admire your ability to go to work despite how awful you are feeling. I can't imagine going to work every day with what you are going through.

    Hopefully you will have good luck with your transplant quest soon.

    Oh, I want to send you something. Is your address the same? Let me know.

  2. A twelve hour shift is brutal even in top physical form, so you must be tough to endure it while not feeling well.
    And that movie sounds interesting. I get sucked into watching sad movies sometimes, too. I'm a notoriously weepy reader, especially nonfiction. I'm a crybaby!

    Hope you feel better soon. PS- There is nothing wrong with naps. Lots and lots of naps! I wish I could do it more often, that is the only problem!