How I Feel

I keep forgetting how ill I am. I have been sick now for more than 3 weeks and it just won't let go. My immune system is shot. Compromised. I've had a runny nose, a scratch in my throat and a never-ending cough. These pale in comparison to how I generally feel.
When I remove a bandaid it will sometimes tear my skin.
At night when I sleep I will sometimes get the worst cramps ever and I whimper in agony.
If I bump myself I will bruise.
I am constantly tired and restless, and without my medication I cannot sleep or stay awake.
I make 173 trips to the bathroom each day.
My jaw hurts.
My eyes constantly water.
It gets harder and harder each day to move, bend over, breathe, get up, sit down, push, pull and sometimes even talk. I lose my voice because of my shortness of breath.
My tongue is yellow white blue or green and I am sure the foul taste I carry in my mouth is just as foul outside of me as well as in. I will turn my head when I talk to you. I will hold my breath. I dare not look at you for fear of shame. I curse to myself when you leave the room.
I am very sensitive. Tears swell in my eyes when I hear about the little boy who fell in the river. I will say let's go look for him. Off we go to search the black muddy river.
I will cry when you leave the room. I will cry when you enter. But I will also laugh.
I will make fun of myself. I will make fun of you.
I will forget.
Sometimes I will ask for permission. "Can I have that?"And sometimes I will demand. "Give me that!"
I don't know why.
I get bloody noses.
I will break out in a cold sweat. A minute later I am hot as hell. I will feel like passing out. I don't.
These are just some of the things I go through each day. Some of the things are just too personal or graphic for me to express.
These symptoms alone are nothing. I could handle one or two of them together. All at once it is a bit overwhelming. An onslaught.
Normally I hesitate to speak like this -- out loud -- but something happened.

This week a fellow blogger passed away from liver failure.
Mark Emmert was one of the first people to ever contact me who was going through liver failure. Sadly though, our correspondence consisted of only two e-mails. Mark wrote me the first time to ask me permission to read my blog. His second e-mail was to tell me that he had been busy and wasn't feeling well. We never communicated with each other again, but I didn't lose touch with him. I was in contact with his family. I am deeply saddened by his passing and my condolences go out to his friends and family.