Thursday, July 2, 2009

How I Feel

I keep forgetting how ill I am. I have been sick now for more than 3 weeks and it just won't let go. My immune system is shot. Compromised. I've had a runny nose, a scratch in my throat and a never-ending cough. These pale in comparison to how I generally feel.
When I remove a bandaid it will sometimes tear my skin.
At night when I sleep I will sometimes get the worst cramps ever and I whimper in agony.
If I bump myself I will bruise.
I am constantly tired and restless, and without my medication I cannot sleep or stay awake.
I make 173 trips to the bathroom each day.
My jaw hurts.
My eyes constantly water.
It gets harder and harder each day to move, bend over, breathe, get up, sit down, push, pull and sometimes even talk. I lose my voice because of my shortness of breath.
My tongue is yellow white blue or green and I am sure the foul taste I carry in my mouth is just as foul outside of me as well as in. I will turn my head when I talk to you. I will hold my breath. I dare not look at you for fear of shame. I curse to myself when you leave the room.
I am very sensitive. Tears swell in my eyes when I hear about the little boy who fell in the river. I will say let's go look for him. Off we go to search the black muddy river.
I will cry when you leave the room. I will cry when you enter. But I will also laugh.
I will make fun of myself. I will make fun of you.
I will forget.
Sometimes I will ask for permission. "Can I have that?"And sometimes I will demand. "Give me that!"
I don't know why.
I get bloody noses.
I will break out in a cold sweat. A minute later I am hot as hell. I will feel like passing out. I don't.
These are just some of the things I go through each day. Some of the things are just too personal or graphic for me to express.
These symptoms alone are nothing. I could handle one or two of them together. All at once it is a bit overwhelming. An onslaught.
Normally I hesitate to speak like this -- out loud -- but something happened.

This week a fellow blogger passed away from liver failure.
Mark Emmert was one of the first people to ever contact me who was going through liver failure. Sadly though, our correspondence consisted of only two e-mails. Mark wrote me the first time to ask me permission to read my blog. His second e-mail was to tell me that he had been busy and wasn't feeling well. We never communicated with each other again, but I didn't lose touch with him. I was in contact with his family. I am deeply saddened by his passing and my condolences go out to his friends and family.


  1. All of that sounds truly dreadful. I am hoping you will have a healthier and less painful July.

  2. I am so sorry to hear that your health is declining as it is. My husband, who had a liver transplant just over a year ago, went through many of the same symptoms. The muscle cramps just about did him in. He also was brought to tears by them. Be it known that they ended immediately upon transplant. And the nosebleeds were horrible -- several every single day and with no warning. But since his transplant he has had only one. So hang in there; once you get your transplant you will be a changed man! -- Linda, Wichita, KS

  3. ~Linda
    Thank you so much for writing. I appreciate your support. The cramps have gotten a lot worse these days, and when I'm not cramping up then I feel the pain of the muscle spasms. My wife suggested that I try something different that might work and lo and behold it worked immediately. I am going to write about it in my next post. Once again I am thankful for your support and I hope your husband is doing well with his new liver and adjusting well.


  4. Hi Beaux

    Thank you so much for stopping by PC....I smiled just seeing your note...You and Lois and your family are in my thoughts and prayers...I wish I had a magic wand

  5. Sorry I'm just getting to this, but my brain seems to have stopped working. I went down your list and mentally put a check next to everything I was feeling as well. The similarities were remarkable. The difficulty is getting people to understand. "Just snap out of it" doesn't work. And I end up feeling guilty and angry at myself for some of the things. All I can say is I certainly empathize. Hopefully you will get a transplant.