Saturday, August 18, 2012

Coming back to being me

   This is long overdue and I must apologize for the long delay. At first I didn't write because I felt miserable and as time moved forward I kept saying I'll do it a little later. But later turned into weeks and those all turned into months. And then there was the whole thing of not having a computer to write with because I had a dead battery — and still do. The danged thing dropped dead the day after I got home from the hospital. So ... this is my apology.
   I think the real reason goes much deeper. The sense of wanting to write or needing to write had vanished. The words were in my head but I couldn't get them down on paper. It is taking me some time to gain some clarity. There was, after all, the physical aftermath, which was probably just as hard as the mental and emotional aspect of it all. I'm gaining ground on this each day.
   It is nice to recognize that I have approached some normalcy in my life, that I feel better physically and mentally and that I now have some sort of purpose and direction. After 3-plus years I finally got up on my roof and remove the sad, faded Christmas lights that have haunted me over time. They were a reminder to me each day I looked at them that I had no strength left in me. I have started cleaning out my garage and even contemplated fixing  the flat tires on all the bikes. There are a whole slew of things that have been neglected and I am finally able to do something about it.
   I am however still biding time. This healing thing is still not over. I have another mountain to cross further down the line. In the meanwhile, I am just going with my gut and following my heart. I am recognizing what is most precious: my family and my friends, my work and the world and God.
— Beaux


  1. Its good to see you writing once again. I do hope that it brings some relief, I think this maybe your first post since transplant.

    The bit that they can never explain before transplant, is how you will feel afterwards. And it is a very big confussing area. Put that with recovering and the added problems you have had, you are bound to feel all over the place.

    but please try to keep talking, write things down, draw, get out, make sure your expressing yourself, because keeping stuff in, can come back to bite.

    I am glad you are feeling better. Take each day as it comes and try not to do too much in one good.

    Nice hearing from you.

  2. oh I do say it is so good to hear your voice!!! xoxo teri

  3. please forgive me for not stopping glad you were able to take down those lights and that YOUR LIGHT is shining, healing day by day.