Friday, September 4, 2009

Me, One Year Later

This was my first blog post, written just a year ago. I come back to it every so often only because it is like a solemn reminder of my place in the world. It is like taking a look in the mirror for me. It conjures up images of a distraught child looking out of a fogged window into the rain. I see a woman looking into a mirror with tears in her eyes. There is a man in a fit of despair and anger is on the rise. And even though I see these things; I see each of them walking away with renewed hope in their eyes and the beginning of a smile on their face. I see them reborn with some inner faith.
I originally posted this on my other blog because this one hadn't yet been conceived of. And once I started writing about other things I knew that I couldn't write about my liver disease in the same blog. So I eventually started this one, The Paradox Syndrome.
Even the name of my other blog This Isn't Happening suggested my need to want to write about everything that I was experiencing. I wanted to write about the anger and pain and the grief that I had been overcome with. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry. I wanted to smile and I wanted to joke. Eventually my own spirit began to change and I was able to do all of them from post to post.
In the beginning I didn't realize that I was about to share this with just anyone. I was still very much alone in it. I would not share my anguish even with my family because I knew it would hurt their hearts. But I learned those feelings were no longer secrets, and I would find that out soon enough as I watched my wife weep and wipe tears from her eyes every time I wrote something. Still, my need to put pen to paper was a driving force and I continued on.
A year later,  my spirit still wavers. And as haunting as all of this has been I am moved by my own recognition that life is fleeting. It is easy to hold on, but it is harder to let go. Occasionally I am that conjured vision of that boy staring through the window.
I wanted to re-post this because it has been a year now since I started all this. This is truly a reflection. While I may look at death with different eyes, I now look at life with open eyes: This Isn't Happening 


  1. Wow. That is a powerful first post.

    And look, you've made it to the one year mark on the waiting list. Like they told you: it'll get worse before it gets better.

    Happy Blogiversary!

  2. Fine post. Hopefully this will be a healing year for you.

  3. *mary*

    I feel good about this coming year.


    I think 2010 will be a very good year.

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  5. [reposted without spelling errors this time]

    I hope this doesn't offend you, some people are sensitive about it and I apologize if it does, but...

    I just had a little chat with God after reading this post. If I've accumulated any brownie points over the last few years, I asked them to go to you.

    Hopefully they'll come delivered in the form of a new liver.

  6. R&V,
    No offense taken. That is very touching. I never know how to respond to these kind of comments because they always leave me feeling kind of speechless and with a lump in my throat. I very much appreciate the sentiments.

  7. ah friend. you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    your first post was wonderful, and sad, and joyful too.

    perhaps you will get sicker, perhaps. but i also know that you will have great joys, great laughter, great happiness. your girls, your wife they will inspire in you even greater love.

    this will be a great year.

    thank you for leading me to that first post, i had not read it before.

    i want for you peace. peace within the exhaustion and sick feelings. i do not know if that is possible but i want it for you.

    you, your wife and your beautiful girls are in my prayers.

  8. You have been a good friend Kristine, I appreciate these words. I believe this will be a good year also. I am also wishing for good things to come your way.