Friday, September 4, 2009

Me, One Year Later


This was my first blog post, written just a year ago. I come back to it every so often only because it is like a solemn reminder of my place in the world. It is like taking a look in the mirror for me. It conjures up images of a distraught child looking out of a fogged window into the rain. I see a woman looking into a mirror with tears in her eyes. There is a man in a fit of despair and anger is on the rise. And even though I see these things; I see each of them walking away with renewed hope in their eyes and the beginning of a smile on their face. I see them reborn with some inner faith.
I originally posted this on my other blog because this one hadn't yet been conceived of. And once I started writing about other things I knew that I couldn't write about my liver disease in the same blog. So I eventually started this one, The Paradox Syndrome.
Even the name of my other blog This Isn't Happening suggested my need to want to write about everything that I was experiencing. I wanted to write about the anger and pain and the grief that I had been overcome with. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry. I wanted to smile and I wanted to joke. Eventually my own spirit began to change and I was able to do all of them from post to post.
In the beginning I didn't realize that I was about to share this with just anyone. I was still very much alone in it. I would not share my anguish even with my family because I knew it would hurt their hearts. But I learned those feelings were no longer secrets, and I would find that out soon enough as I watched my wife weep and wipe tears from her eyes every time I wrote something. Still, my need to put pen to paper was a driving force and I continued on.
A year later,  my spirit still wavers. And as haunting as all of this has been I am moved by my own recognition that life is fleeting. It is easy to hold on, but it is harder to let go. Occasionally I am that conjured vision of that boy staring through the window.
I wanted to re-post this because it has been a year now since I started all this. This is truly a reflection. While I may look at death with different eyes, I now look at life with open eyes: This Isn't Happening 

9 comments:

  1. Wow. That is a powerful first post.

    And look, you've made it to the one year mark on the waiting list. Like they told you: it'll get worse before it gets better.

    Happy Blogiversary!

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  2. Fine post. Hopefully this will be a healing year for you.

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  3. *mary*

    I feel good about this coming year.


    Laoch,

    I think 2010 will be a very good year.

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  5. [reposted without spelling errors this time]

    I hope this doesn't offend you, some people are sensitive about it and I apologize if it does, but...

    I just had a little chat with God after reading this post. If I've accumulated any brownie points over the last few years, I asked them to go to you.

    Hopefully they'll come delivered in the form of a new liver.

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  6. R&V,
    (Smiling),
    No offense taken. That is very touching. I never know how to respond to these kind of comments because they always leave me feeling kind of speechless and with a lump in my throat. I very much appreciate the sentiments.

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  7. ah friend. you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    your first post was wonderful, and sad, and joyful too.

    perhaps you will get sicker, perhaps. but i also know that you will have great joys, great laughter, great happiness. your girls, your wife they will inspire in you even greater love.

    this will be a great year.

    thank you for leading me to that first post, i had not read it before.

    i want for you peace. peace within the exhaustion and sick feelings. i do not know if that is possible but i want it for you.

    you, your wife and your beautiful girls are in my prayers.

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  8. You have been a good friend Kristine, I appreciate these words. I believe this will be a good year also. I am also wishing for good things to come your way.

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